Why?

Because I want to simplify my life. Met some good friends over Christmas, and some of them took time to shared their concern on my relationship stories. They were right. I shouldn't even be bothered so much in writing all of these especially if none of them actually going somewhere. I think it's time for me to really take the challenge seriously (ha! After 6 months.. ) so then the nodatingforayear thing could finally make sense.

Another reason why I want this to be my last post was because Temptation #4 and I finally talked it through. It all started with the secret santa game at work, where I was someone's santa.. and that particular person got fired and I ended up being Temptation #4's santa. Coincidence? I don't think so. Anyway, that was a good thing since it led us to talking about what happened. We finally took time to meet up one night and he told me that he's moving away in six months time, he could only see one of us get hurt if we pursue a relationship out of this. Fair enough. Timing suck though. Oh, well.

The very last reason why I want this to be my last post was also because of the dinner I had with Temptation #1's family last night. As I already shared it to you on this blog, he's in town right now and he invited me to have dinner with his family. I went with no expectation, just wanted to have a great time, which I did. His family was so nice, they're funny and witty - I finally know where his sense of humor came from!

But last night I also realised how unpredictable Temptation #1 is. He's very much enjoying life to the max, he doesn't believe in marriage, if anything sometimes I feel that he's way too scared of being committed to one person - and this could also mean he's only 'safe' to be kept as a good friend. Perhaps last night I unconsciously decided that.. to just take a 'friend' position in his life. I seriously can see us being healthy to each other, but not in a form of relationship that requires commitment.. he's just too wild for that. He loves his freedom more than anything.. if you know what I mean.

So yeah. Letting go of Temptation #1 and #4 made me realised that I want something more from my relationships with the boys. And if possible, I want it to be simple. I think I had enough of all of these relationship dramas.. with all the guessing, the flirting, the confusion.. I am done. Finally it hit me. Hard.

So guys.. it's been a pleasure to share my thoughts in here. It was such an honor to have you reading and commenting on the posts, and I don't mind posting more generic life thought on this blog, or perhaps create another blog. What do you think? Should this be my last post? Comment away.

Met him at work. Instantly knew that something was going to happen between us, but at work I always kept everything professional. I don't joke around much, eyes on the work.. All the time. But he showed his feelings through small things at work. I never wanted to assume on anything until..

On my second week working with him, my car broke down and he texted me that he was coming to the rescue, which he did. That night he asked me out.

I said yes to hangout, not dating. He agreed to it and since that night he always messaged me saying good morning and we would end up texting the whole day. Last night he asked if I have Facebook and we became friends online too.

We met at work the next day and it was a little awkward, I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen.. which it did.

This morning he cancelled our date and after a couple of hours he texted me: "I think it's best if nothing happens between you and I :-) you're a top chick and I feel we can be great friends and if we ever did anything it wouldn't work out and it would destroy our friendship.."

I replied saying I was cool with it. But to tell you the truth, I wasn't really. I don't get it.. How could you change your mind over night? How can I not keep wondering since I see him almost every day at work?

After a little cry I chose to not ask why. I chose to be wise.

Sometimes being wise is to understand that you don't always have to know why.

Temptation #1 and I. Skype chat after he emailed confirming that he'll be visiting for Christmas and he invited me to his family's barbeque.

* * *

Me: I love it how you always get your ways to make people aware of better/good design. I think it's your gift. You can move mountains with that skill. You know it.

Him: Yeah. I'm getting used to that instinct. My opinion is real and people listen. I don't bullsh*t.

* * *

Me: Hey, just wondering. What's your agenda while you're here? If you have spare times, you're more than welcome to join our street teams, delivering Christmas gifts to kids whose parents are in prison. just if you have time and wanna join me.

Him: Oh, wow. I'm not gonna say no. Hey, I love your idea. Let's say sh*t when it gets there. But I'm up for it, anything to help. We're lucky to be able to give.

* * *

Me: Talking about canvases.. am I still getting my Christmas pressie or you might have forgotten already! LOL!

Him: Haven't forgotten. At all. Just haven't drawn for a while. But I know the one you love!

* * *

Him: Tomorrow will be having interviews as always, then volunteering, then drawing. You inspired me.

Me: I did? In what way?

Him: To go back to drawing.

Me: Aww.

Him: Haha.

Me: Toldcha. We're healthy for each other. Let's stay that way.

Him: Yes. No sex is better.

Me: I see what we have better than just a casual relationship. Anything physical can destruct what we have. I really had a thought about it. But if you're sick or need a hug, I'll be there for you.

Him: Yeah. I know that. Me too.

It all started with Temptation #3's message on Facebook. He invited me to come over to see the studio that he built (yes, he built it with his two bare hands!) and sing something. Of course I didn't know that he would record it with all his expensive and professional studio equipments!

Anyway, I dropped by last Saturday. His friends were there too - when he said 'hangout' it really meant 'hangout', which I liked so much. Everything that starts off with friendship is always healthy, that's my personal value too.

I asked his friend (who does worship) if I could listen to her piece that's been recorded, just to find out that "He never recorded any of my singing," which created such an awkward situation since I am not even a worship student. LOL.

Recording went great. I picked "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon (Paramore cover) as my piece, and Temptation #3 used his magical music skill to make it sound 'complete'. I found out that day that he plays ALL instruments. Genius bloke, he is.

He took some times to work on it with piano, which I didn't get why; the song is an alternative song, piano sounded inappropriate that time until he let me listen to another version of me singing the song, over a slow, sweet, piano tunes. I must say it again. He is a genius.

I had a great first hangout session with him. Got to see him around his friends, his skills, and his passion in music. I can't wait to hear my final piece that he's still working on.. until today. Ha.

One small moment that I remember about that day was when I was in the singing box. I couldn't see him, he couldn't see me; we only hear each other voices through our headphones.

"So Lara.. can you hear my voice?"

"Yes."

"Okay. This is when the tick comes in." (He played the metronome)

"Okay."

"This is when my guitar comes in." (He played the guitar)

"Okay."

(Then he joked about something - I forgot what it was. I laughed silently.)

"And that's when you laughed."

Had a long walk with mom today, enjoying the breeze while shopping at George St. when we ended up talking about relationships (this happened all the time with mom).

Basically I asked mom, "Why is relationship matter always complicated?" - the guy I really like wanted a casual relationship. The guys I don't like have been asking me out on a date. The guy I used to (underline USED TO) like, tried to kiss me. Why is it so complicated?

Mom laughed, as if she really understood me; I was almost 100% sure that she didn't until the end of our conversation.

Before I tell you what it was, let me tell you a little bit about my parents.

Dad's first wife died years ago and he married my mom. When they got together, dad was still in love with his late ex-wife and he came clean to my mom. He knew that my mom was the person he wanted to marry, but at the same time he is a faithful and honest guy, so he proposed.. came as he was. Mom was touched, she accepted him for who he was, and throughout the years, they fell in love. Dad moved on.

Such a beautiful love story, really inspired me to always have hope for the people I love. The Bible says, 'When there's love, there's no fear.' So when the love is real, none should be afraid of anything. That was what mom reminded me.. to love GOD with all my heart - thus no fear about the future. Suddenly all my fear vanished in seconds.

If you know me well, you know I wouldn't stop at the first question. I asked again, "Once you meet the right person, there won't be any guarantee that things will go smooth. I am sure there were turbulances between you and dad.. What about then?"

This time mom aswered me with one simple line. "When you love someone truly, you will always choose to never let go of that person."

She made that decision a long time ago to marry my dad for who he was, and she still loves him truly until today. She keeps choosing, to never let go.

Girls, let me tell you something; no matter what happen in life, always keep your girlfriends close. They are the ones you will run to when things go wrong in your relationships with boys. Moreover, don't just keep them in the dark and find them when you need a rescue, better yet, make them your true accountable friends!

I remember when the Gold Coast 'May I kiss you?' incident happened (read: "Is your past has really passed?"), I still remember Sharon, one of my girlfriends, said "Lara, if you can't say 'NO' to the wrong guys, you will not be able to say 'YES' to the right one." - SHARP!

Never think of yourself as 'strong enough' when it comes to the matter of the heart. We all need God to rely on. We all need God to keep our heart safe. And we all need our (God-sent) girlfriends to be there for us.

After all, it's always better to have one of your girlfriends (rather than your dad) saying, "Don't let him kiss you!"

A couple weeks ago I had a job interview. So there it was, Temptation #1 helping me out picking the right outfit (through Skype) for my interview, not to mention taking some random pics of me:

As a design teacher, this bloke had so much to say. Ha. I must give him some credits for my look that got me a second interview, though.

Anyway, after the interview ended, I saw a message from him saying "Good luck!" at 10 am sharp which obviously I missed because my phone was on silent. We ended up texting each other that day, and I promised him that we should party if I get the job.

Yesterday was his turn, he messaged me saying that he got a job interview next Monday which I am so excited about. Of course, I asked him to show me what he's going to wear for the interview. Ha. We flow so well as friends. I love it that we do.

It's been three months since I made the commitment of abstaining from dating. If you ask me, it hasn't been easy, but also hasn't been tough. Most of the time I wouldn't have the time to think about dating anyway, always busy with college and ministry.. but of course, there were moments when I had a glimpses of 'what ifs' in my previous relationships.

Like it or not, our past contains too many stories. Some bad, some good, unless you have amnesia, you will and must learn to live with it. Live with the fact that things had happened, and move on. Easy to say, not so easy to do.. it always comes back to that!

Last week was my mid semester break, drove up to the Gold Coast with my girlfriends. We had so much fun and I spent some times with Temptation #2, driving around Brissie, looking for a car. Yeah, I was being so random, buying a car from the Gold Coast and driving it home (it was a good ride!).

For your information, Temptation #2 hates Brissie with all his heart. He kept saying, "I am only doing this because I want to hang out with you," or "I am happy today because I get to hang out with you, not so happy with the fact that I am in Brissie right now," seriously, it annoyed me a little but hey, it's holiday. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, until..

There was a moment when it was only him and I, he hugged me from behind and I walked away from him. First, I am still abstaining from dating. Second, I am not sure about what I feel towards him - I care about him, but more like a friendly care. I really thought he would consider me as a friend, and no more, after two years we were seperated geographically.

I found out that he might still have a little feeling for me when he once again hugged me and asked if he could kiss me. Such an eye opener, not in a good way.

A past is a past. We got to learn to live with it, and move on. Or not.

Is your past has really passed, or is it now becoming your future and waiting to happen for the second time?

Two weeks ago Temptation #1 and I had a three hour Skype chat. Good times. Or else, it wouldn't last for three hours. Right?

The only down side was that night he asked me if he ever moves to Sydney, would I want to be in a casual relationship with him. I don't even know what 'casual' really means - even if I did, I had a strong feeling that I wouldn't like it.

I just think I deserve better. I deserve to get something more than casual. I know I do.

But I couldn't help but wonder if that is all he sees in me. A fun girl to waste time with, and that's it. Done. Kinda sad, don't you think?

A good friend said, 'When a guy says, "I'm not ready for a real relationship" or "I don't believe in marriage" it means "You're not the one" - because when you are, they will want a real relationship with you.'

Somehow what she said sounded right in my heart. Oh, well.

Deep inside I know it's time. To let him go.

To let him fly.

High.